Those who noticed the title asked me a bunch of questions: the husband, the mother-in-law, the wife? Why not the father-in-law? Who are you going to judge today? Because today is the court of the mother-in-law, the daughter-in-law or the husband? As you know lately, we’ve been choosing slightly odd titles to give everyone the opportunity to think and position themselves in relation to what we’re going to say rather than just worrying about a title.
It’s a very delicate subject and one that hurts the heart a lot and lately a lot of conflicts have appeared in our families while normally, we are always proud when we learn that a marriage is going to take place, we are always proud when two families are going to meet but we are surprised by how it ends and also by what happens before it ends. We are going to be sincere today, we are going to call it a meeting of sincerity even if it is true that we owe each other mutual respect, but we are going to speak sincerely.
We are going to speak sincerely about the husband, this young husband, the wife, this young sister, and the in-laws who are our parents wa al-hamdulillah as you know. And we will try to tell everyone the truth because each of us makes mistakes.
“Koullo bani adam khatâ”
“All the sons of Adam commit sins. »
But the door to repentance is always open and we must never think that there is no way to go back, that there is no way to fix things because as Allah tells us (azwadial ) :
“[…] And whoever fears Allah, He will give him a favorable outcome,
and grant him His gifts by [means] on which he did not count.[..]”
[Surah 65 – Verses 2 and 3]
He who has a good intention, who fears Allah (azwadial) as he should and who wants to make things right, Allah (azwadial) always finds a way out of his problems. This is why I call all our married brothers and sisters, all those who are going to get married too so that they know that starting a family is not something easy and you will see it, living with someone Someone you don’t know is not an easy thing when it comes to your husband or wife, what about your parents? These are people who are often strangers to us. Sometimes it happens that they are relatives like your aunt’s sons or daughters but you still remain a stranger. So at that point how can you live with these people, you, the man or you, the woman.
You should also know that now when we talk about couples it’s a fairly young generation so there is sometimes a lack of experience or small problems which are not really understood. There are big age differences given that now between the second and third generation compared to the first and second there are some who do not notice that they have in-laws who are 70 years old and some even 80 years old !
Imagine already if I am speaking to you at my age, thirty-seven years old, my father is approaching seventy years old, while what should we think of young people with whom the gap is around thirty years, what should we think of those who are younger than me who are eighteen, nineteen or twenty years old, who are getting married and who have a father-in-law or mother-in-law who is seventy years old.
Fifty years separate them! It’s not easy, you can’t adapt like that in ten minutes. This is why we are going to push our young people to think, and also push our parents to think. It’s true it’s a conference in French but each of us has a responsibility to transmit.
I will never forget subhan Allah, there was a time there was a sheykh here ( Radhiallahu ), who came in the 80s and one day he explained that family life when there are in-laws, when ‘there is a beautiful daughter and when there is a son-in-law, he told us to imagine if we were in a village and the mother gets up and goes out early in the morning and walks past her daughter’s house, What does she say ? “My daughter, you are right, keep sleeping, only crazy people come out, it’s cold, rest well and take good care of your husband. » And when she passes by her son’s house, she calls out to her son’s wife, “O bad woman, where are you? The people have gone out, they have swept, they have cleaned in front of the house, the fire is already lit for the meal and you are sleeping, and you are abandoning your husband like that?… May Allah give you this and that.”
When I heard this story, Allah (azwadial) is a Witness, I must not have been more than twelve or thirteen years old and it stuck in my head because he had told it as a kind of joke and I told myself that it was a bit of an exaggeration. And over the years, with everything we hear here at work, I said to myself subhan Allah, this sheykh, ( Radhiallahu ), gave the summary of what we generally hear today today. There is always good, as you know, I always remind people when we give conferences, we are not there to criticize one or the other far from it, it is to talk about our weaknesses, our mistakes. There is always good in the community and whoever says there is no good is the first to be bad. There is some good but we just need to restructure things. As you also know, if everyone had to talk about their mother-in-law, everyone will give a different opinion.
There is one if you tell him to tell you about his mother-in-law, he won’t even raise his head, he will tell you « hasbunâ llâh wa ni’mal-wakil » (Allâh is enough for us, He is the best guarantor)! You will tell yourself that there is already a problem… You tell him to talk to you about your father-in-law, he says to you “wallâhi there is nothing to say, I don’t know”.
If you ask someone else they will describe something positive to you, like me for example if you ask me about my mother-in-law, I could praise it until tomorrow morning. But does everyone have this beautiful mother? May Allah preserve her.
She was always up to the task and I even took her as a mother because I don’t have my mother. I found someone mature, a person who sometimes could have done strange things but subhan Allah she always had restraint.
While she is a converted person but she took the education that she had had since she was young and when she entered Islam at least thirty years ago, she took on the behavior of Islam, the theory, not the traditions, not what we hear in the country in the villages and other things. No no no ! She took what Islam says.
And that’s one of the big problems in our families today. We must not operate according to the tradition of so-and-so, of so-and-so’s village, of so-and-so’s nationality because at that moment we understand that it doesn’t do anything in the life of the couple. I also found a father-in-law, may Allah (azwadial) reward him, very mature, who could also have interfered in the couple’s life, done a lot of things, he is the father…he has a lot of rights, but I saw a certain maturity, a certain restraint. And this is such a thing that if anyone among you has it in his hands, he must praise Allah (azwadial) very much . Because otherwise it’s a lack and it’s very important to have in-laws who are up to the task. And there is wa al-hamdulillah but sometimes it’s the opposite.
We will try to remind each of us that there will come a day when two things will happen:
Either you are going to die, you the mother, you the father, you are going to have to meet Allah (azwadial) and you are going to have to answer for everything you have done on earth, even the smallest injustice towards those who were under your responsibility and you will also be rewarded for all the good you have done. So be careful. And why I make this remark is because as soon as we become step-parents, we are of a certain age and the older we get and the closer we get to death, it’s somewhat normal. For young people it’s the same thing, it’s not because you are young and there Shaytan is playing with you in another way, it’s not because you are young that you have to say to yourself that everything is fine, there is time to repent and such. No ! Death warns none of us, as we always remember.
This complaining couple must not forget that one day they will also have to be in-laws. So all those you accuse today, one day you will have the same place, all those you praise insha Allah one day you will take their place and we hope that you will do like them then… You see subhan Allah the Earth how it rotates, do you see what time does?
This is why I encourage our young people to reflect and to see what marriage is because as you know, who says marriage, says act of adoration, who says act of adoration says pact and you must honor this pact until the end of your life. So you have to be very careful and that’s why it’s not easy.
This peaceful coexistence within this family is not easy, it is fraught with pitfalls and Shaytan is aware and knows that there are benefits somewhere. He knows that there are sometimes very big benefits in terms of the way you talk to your in-laws, if for example there is a debate, are you going to get angry, raise your voice, raise your hand, as happens sometimes.
How do you react, how do you speak? So we tell you to be careful. Your mother-in-law is like your mother and your father-in-law is like your father. There is an incredible amount of respect to be had and kept. But we will see that there are limits sometimes that we cross or it happens that we play on words or that we take advantage of certain situations and as you will see there are limits which are therefore outdated and sometimes even small threats here and there or other. And in general when you summon these people, many of them when they come for mediation they tell you:
– » who are you ? » – “I am the Imam.”
– » What do you want ? » –
“Here your son-in-law or your daughter-in-law called us to sort things out, to discuss…”
– “It’s none of your business!”
At that moment you are told that if these kinds of tests are not worked on, that nothing is corrected, that you do not want to discuss, then how do you want to fix things? Who is in front of you? Your son or your daughter, the one you have educated since he was little until a time when you want him to continue the rest of his life happy and for you as a parent to be happy too.
We will also try to discuss situations which are a little bizarre but which have been experienced. We have had a lot of stories reported to us over the years we have worked in this area and you will see that sometimes it is not very nice to hear. This may surprise or make some people laugh, but that is not the point.
Today I’m going to talk about the most negative side, because those who are good with each other, al-hamdulillah I don’t need to talk about it. But I want to talk about the errors that there are. Sometimes, when you talk to certain mothers-in-law who visit us, you hear them say to you: “yes, I admit it, I’m bad, I’m even mean, but don’t judge me like that. There is a lack of respect from my daughter-in-law. There is a lack of respect in the way of speaking, in the way of looking…”
However, the daughter-in-law must not forget one thing, which is that who is in front of you? Your husband’s mother! The one with whom you are supposed to do good, then you must continue to do good towards this person who is above him and who he himself knows is on Earth because he had a mother and a father who are the cause of this presence with the will of Allah (azwadial) . And you come and you don’t notice what you’re doing, you attack precisely what he holds most dear, his mother! How then do you expect the husband to accept this in any way or manner. It’s illogical and that’s already a weird first mistake.
Even if sometimes the daughter-in-law thinks she is right, respect must still remain. You do not have a choice. All those who want to return to the conferences which talk about respect for parents will notice that your father, your mother, wallâhi even if sometimes they are in the wrong and you want to talk to them, are you going to raise your hand against your mother , are you going to raise your hand against your father? No ! Impossible. No way. A true Muslim man or woman will never raise a hand against his parents.
So if you are told in Islam that your mother-in-law is like your mother, you will never be able to disrespect her, raise your hand on her or anything. And today we have heard of arguments, fights between the daughter and the mother-in-law which even come to blows when it is a mother-in-law who is still young, barely fifty years old. There are also the insults: “old”, “old skin”, they have learned the little words well and they come and say that to the mother’s face! Impossible ! Total ban! Respect must remain.
Some daughters-in-law also take advantage of the mother-in-law. There are mothers-in-law who tell us “it’s true that I have changed towards her but it’s because she took me for granted… I’m bad at everything else.” but to hold the children, I’m good… » And there you have it, the mother is only there for the other’s work.
Others tell us « I’m bad, but I’m good at eating. » And yes, two or three times a week they come to eat at home. Everyone is happy, for that, I am good… » Soubhan Allâh already look at how in front of you you are with a person who you think has no reaction, who does not notice, while she understood but she didn’t speak.
And that’s a mistake, we need to speak up.
The person records and sees the way you operate, that’s how in-laws, they often see your functioning, your character. Even if sometimes there are parents who admit “I don’t need this son-in-law or this daughter-in-law, I have always lived comfortably wa al-hamdulillah…” but they want to see things aside. respect how far you are capable of going, what you are capable of providing, how far you can help.
Show traces of affection and love which prove that you respect the person.
And then we’ll see afterwards that there’s a happy medium on both sides, but at least take the step.
We also hear: “I benefit, but I owe nothing” . There are plenty of sisters who tell me during mediations with the in-laws: “I’m married to my son, I don’t care if the children don’t see their grandparents!” » Soubhan Allah! Even if you know that grandparents will hear about religion?
Because alhamdulillah there are families who practice masha Allah. The grandfather will perhaps teach or give things to his grandchildren that even parents cannot give. Even if it’s just the game. How many times the children spend an hour or two hours playing with the grandfather while you are there being tired or having work. Sometimes grandparents give things that we are not capable of giving. They have a role to play. In fact they have a patience which is very strange; they have educated tabârak Allâh children for years and they are happy, they are proud of this outcome of their education which they see realized in the marriage of their children. And we underestimate that.
Others confess to us and tell us that for them, the daughter-in-law is a rival. Which means that the mother-in-law is directly on the lookout, she watches her daughter-in-law. And if you go and look at the daughter-in-law, what does she tell you? “It’s true, I felt it because since I married her son, she has followed me everywhere. She is always behind. Every five minutes she calls her son to find out what we’re doing, where we’re going… » We tell you, dear sister, that you will never be able to compete with your mother-in-law and I tell you that in advance if you want to go to war, you will never be able to compete and you know why? Because she remains a mother. The choice is not to be made, it does not exist for us in religion.
And we will see this point among the errors that there are because sometimes there are sisters who notice that there is a rivalry so the sister comes one day to see her husband and says to him: “You choose: your mother or me.” I assure you that for me this sister is suicidal, a suicide bomber…! Do you think your husband is going to tell her “there’s no problem: “ Hello el walida (mom), you get out because I’ve just made a choice and given the investments, the losses and everything, it’s my wife who I choose “ A’oudhou billâh! ” Wallâhi, never in life! A brother who fears Allah (azwadial) will never be able. And a sister who fears Allah (azwadial) can never come and ask for this kind of thing. She will never do that. But there are some who do it because they think it’s a matter of rivalry but it doesn’t work that way.
That’s why we tell you when we talk about these little errors, it’s because you, the daughter-in-law, have a certain experience, there are things that you know and that the daughter-in-law mother doesn’t know. You may have been living at home in some way and your in-laws don’t know it. There are times, for example, for daughters-in-law who forget that they lived in a somewhat “quiet”, “spoiled” way, even more so if they were an only child. So we need to understand why there can be quite serious problems. When you have an only girl at home with only boys, it happens that this girl is the queen of the house, you should not touch her. If you have to work in the kitchen, no, leave miskina (the poor thing), always miskina, don’t touch her, don’t approach her, don’t do it to her…And then from one day to the next she finds herself beautiful girl in a family of fifteen! “she dies, she is swallowed, wallâhi she will be swallowed”!
Sometimes the husband is happy to go see his mother with his wife and he leaves early so he can help her and then she ends up poor. And that’s where the excuses start: “I can’t go to your mother’s” “And why?” » “I don’t feel well…” “But five minutes ago you were fine!” » And the war begins… Who will sort things out?
Sometimes, religious knowledge is not the same and we have many parents who do not know religion like we do. They do not know. And if they are not trained in religion, how are you going to function?
So you hear daughters-in-law say that their mother-in-law is misguided, an innovator, my mother-in-law this, my mother-in-law that! Maybe, I say, maybe you’re right, but by saying it that way, by criticizing your mother-in-law or your father-in-law, what have you gained? Did you arrange anything?
Never ! You haven’t fixed anything, because she will stay in the same situation. So try to find the right moment, the ideal moment to go and talk to him but in a certain way.
Secondly you have been told that you don’t know the character because you have just entered this family, you are new. So try for the first weeks, the first months to remain silent, to scrutinize, to observe, try to see what this character is like, what the mother-in-law is like. For what ?
Well this will allow me to introduce the subject of the mother-in-law because until now I have only talked about the daughter-in-law.
It sometimes happens that our mothers-in-law, may Allah (azwadial) guide them, the day she comes to ask for someone’s daughter, she comes with her best sides, hajja mâsha Allah! Dressed all in white, politeness, only beautiful words, all masha Allah. So the girl’s mother is ashamed in front of her and cannot refuse her daughter, especially since she gave her incredible praise! The mesikina girl when she comes home and sees the future mother-in-law, masha Allah, she can’t believe her eyes, impossible, she doesn’t even speak! And if she speaks, only to say good things! Because the son knows very well that his mother, especially if she is nervous, she can ruin everything that day for a single word that she will blurt out! So before going to see the girl’s family, the boy begs his mother to keep quiet and just ask for the girl’s hand without asking any questions!
There is a brother who called me one day and told me that his mother broke his marriage plan. When I visited his mother to try to understand things, what did she say to me? That she went to see the family and when the girl came into the room, she actually didn’t speak a word of Arabic. And then what does she say to me? “How was I going to talk to her afterwards!!! » I answer her “but she is going to marry your son hajja, and then he will teach her little by little” But she didn’t want to know anything…
Look what she based it on! She didn’t realize that young people today are not like before.
So the mothers-in-law are surprised because they think they are going to have a daughter-in-law like they were. Because our mothers and Allah (azwadial) rewards them, we do not even reach the height of their ankles. They suffered what they suffered and in a very silent way. Our fathers, some of them, had a very harsh character, they made our mothers “drool” over it. And our mothers remained patient. Others have been very nice, worked really well. There are mothers who are still crying four years after the death of their husband. They were a strange couple, the old ones. It was a very rare cut, we no longer find this kind of “brand” today. And that’s why the Miskina mother perhaps has a good intention, she would like her daughter-in-law to be like she was. But that’s impossible, or it’s very rare.
And there is already an error that is made at that moment, a judgment that is made. And we can’t. Each generation has its own specificity. You have to keep that in mind and you husbands have to tell your mothers, your fathers and your sisters the same thing. Each era has an incredible specificity, often that we cannot even imagine.
There are also sometimes mothers-in-law who want to have a look at everything. If the son had the misfortune of not calling for 24 hours, he is dead! His mother calls him in the morning: “where were you, what did you do?” Why didn’t you call? Did she blind you?… » And the Meskine brother, he is there between the two. What happens then…
We tell our mothers-in-law that for life as a couple we can give advice, but interference must be very well understood. Even husbands don’t understand that. Even our parents make mistakes. We must respect everyone in their environment.
Once your son gets married or your daughter gets married, there is a new manager. Who takes over supervision? Who becomes the “walid” (the father) in the couple? It’s the husband. And he has a bad role, you’ll see him later. It is the husband who becomes a regulator, and at this moment we cannot let everyone enter into each other’s lives! Never !
You can advise your son or your daughter but you cannot be the one who is going to interfere in their life for a yes or a no and ask for all the reports, everything that is happening, it is not not feasible I assure you. We can’t do it that way and that’s what has created serious problems lately. People gradually begin to come and want to know what is happening in the marital bed. And sometimes we have brothers who call us and tell us their mother asks us if it’s forbidden for her to ask her son if he’s going to have a child. We tell him: “no it’s not haram if you ask him like that but if every day you go to his house and ask: “So? Did you do anything? « , you have no right there. » We cannot talk about our relationships in Islam, it is haram, we cannot, may Allah grant you His satisfaction, not even the mother with her daughter. We can’t, we don’t talk about intimate relationships. There are very serious hadiths in this area.
There are mothers-in-law who when they ask about the dates that the husband has or that his daughter-in-law has, what does she do? For example, she knows that her daughter-in-law has to go out the next day at 3 p.m., she calls her son an hour before to tell him that she is coming. If the son says to him “but we have to go out…”, his mother tells him “you have no shame, you have to go out precisely when I tell you I’m coming!!! « .
There are even brothers who call us to ask: “Who comes first, my wife who has been waiting for her appointment for three weeks and me who took leave on purpose or my mother? “ And there are some soubhan Allâh who dare not say anything and who are between two fires and we will see that too.
It’s very serious because there are people who don’t imagine that coming with this somewhat unhealthy spirit is not done in Islam. It is serious because the intention is not good and the actions are only valid according to their intention.
We know that there are very strange stories that start at that moment and that’s normal. The daughter-in-law remains a human being, she is very happy, she has prepared to spend a day with her husband, a picnic or two, three days of vacation with her husband and there is the mother-in-law who arrives and destroys everything… This is not normal.
There are also mothers-in-law who allow themselves to criticize the daughter-in-law in front of the son. Or call her nicknames in front of her husband: “Where is the twisted girl? Where is the stone? » You hear incredible words in dialect and other. We can’t, there has to be a certain respect. You can’t criticize someone, no human being likes to be criticized openly like that. We don’t like it because we remain human beings and because the person will directly feel that it is demeaning. All these remarks when they are said one after the other, after a week, two weeks, three weeks how do you expect the person to continue to accept the other person. It’s very rare.
The mother-in-law also needs to know that her son or daughter is not perfect. Our mothers-in-law must know this, they must know it. For what ? Because sometimes, our young people have a way of speaking, they have a way of functioning because they have inherited it from their family, so how is she going to act like a mother-in-law? Instead of waiting to tell themselves that they are still young, that they will change, no, she adds fuel to the fire and that doesn’t help anything at all.
Sometimes the mother-in-law does not accept her daughter-in-law’s lifestyle. Sometimes the mother-in-law comes to the son every time: “What did you eat today?” And you know today’s couples are “light” couples, everyone wants to lose weight, even the cat! So the wife, as she is from the year 2008 and her husband is also a 2008/2009, you know… it is no longer the other generation where you return to the « walida » (mom) the poor person who prepares the dish of a circular meter of lentils for three weeks, well frozen in packets, you come home, you have no choice, you sit down and you eat! Today the husband is at work and his happy wife calls him and asks:
– “I’ll make you a sauce”!? – “Yes”
– “Do you want it au gratin or not au gratin?” » – “Gratinated yes”…
– “And do you want it like this or like that?”… – “Yes, I prefer it like this…”
– “And the pepper, you want it sweet or sweet and sour or…”
So, imagine the scene… the woman, 2008 version, she is very happy, she went to a special store to buy a little twig, you know that we put it on the plate at the edge with the sauce coulis , and she gives you a small piece of steak, 4 cm by 4 cm because it is cut with a kind of small metal square. She cuts it, she puts it down and she puts a “drop” of puree… These are very specific terms… So she puts down this “drop” of puree and she puts a little candle with a nice little glass…
Imagine the scene with a little dim light and there Hajja (the mother-in-law) coming in!!! » What is happening here ? Is someone dead or something? What is happening ? » So the daughter-in-law is very embarrassed. Among young people they call it love… respect… The mother-in-law says to you “Is someone dead or something? »
I’ve had sisters with stories like that who were very upset. That’s when they swore “Wa llâhi it’s over, don’t talk to me anymore about your mother.” You see it’s quite stupid but there you go. Sometimes we have the opposite, the husband comes home and he hears that his mother is coming, so he calls his wife: “take out the candles and all the mess my mother is coming…” Never make this mistake, the mother-in-law must understand that today young people live differently from her with her husband.
Sometimes also the mother-in-law has less indulgence for her daughter-in-law than for her daughter. If her daughter is married, when a problem happens she says: “oh, it’s a mistake, it happens to everyone…” but if it’s her daughter-in-law…: “Ah! I said it was crooked…I knew it shouldn’t be taken… » And that happens often. We can’t make differences like that, it’s injustice, « dhulm », we have to be careful.
There are also mothers-in-law who belittle and denigrate the daughter even if she does everything possible. I once had a case at the office where a daughter-in-law had gone to town to buy beautiful pajamas for her mother-in-law and also a bouquet of flowers. Poor thing, since morning she had been running everywhere. Then she goes to her mother-in-law very happy to give her her gift. The beautiful girl shows him: “Here they are pajamas!” and there the mother-in-law who said to him: “Did you see me sleeping in pajamas? Do you even know if I sleep in pajamas? »… Soubhan Allâh, she goes straight in! For what ? Why be like this? The Prophet (sallAllahu alayhi wa salam) told us to give each other gifts, it brings love between people. It’s normal for us to give gifts.
And that’s why we say that compliments are rare. Rare are the mothers-in-law who come and take their daughter-in-law in their arms to compliment her: “ah my daughter-in-law al-‘aziza… I love you in Allah”, it’s rare, eh? And the beautiful line who hugs her mother-in-law and says to her: “ah khalti l-habiba (my beloved aunt) you are like my mother…” And the two who cry in each other’s arms… Why don’t we have this scene anymore? Why is it directly negative? Well it’s because of ignorance, sometimes we think we’re doing the right thing, that doesn’t mean that the mother-in-law is bad, sometimes it’s character but we’ll see afterwards for the solutions in sha’ to Allah.
Sometimes there is also jealousy, there are many daughters-in-law who forget and yet sisters should always keep in mind that a mother who marries her child says to herself most of the time: “she stole my son .” It’s funny to say and yet we shouldn’t underestimate it.
And if ever the daughter-in-law lives comfortably, sometimes the mother-in-law doesn’t admit it. I’ll give you an example: sometimes the mother has lived her whole life without a washing machine, without a dishwasher, without a dryer; no microwave, no mixer, no bread oven…In our couples now, we have all the appliances and your poor mother has only had her washing machine for a year.
So you get married, you’re young, you have money, you have everything and it’s normal, it’s not forbidden, and you buy a whole bunch of small devices and there are mothers-in-law who come into conflict because of this. Yâ khaltî, Allah (azwadial) gave things that you had in your time while your parents or grandparents had not had. On the contrary, mothers-in-law must see this progress for their children as a ni’ma (a blessing). Unfortunately, for some, jealousy makes them want this girl to have nothing at home. For what ? This is also a subject to study. We can’t think like that. If the person lives comfortably, our parents must be happy, say hamdullâh!
And there is a percentage who has what type of mother-in-law? Those who are divorced or widowed. We have noticed statistically that when a woman is widowed or divorced, who takes her husband’s place? His son. She often chooses one of her sons to take his place and every time she needs something she calls him, every ten seconds if necessary.
This, dear son, is where it is in your interest to be careful because you will absolutely have to learn to play 50/50 and the mother-in-law will have to understand that indeed we lose a husband, it is not easy but you cannot substitute your son for your husband. The son yes, he must stay, he must remain absolutely present if his mother ever needs him but the mother must understand that there are hours that he is obliged to give to his children and if he is intelligent, then there is a way to take care of everyone.
Of mother and children. But on condition that you strike a balance as it should be and with respect. But there are mothers who don’t want it, who want their son to be there all the time.
There is yet another case, it is girls who marry boys from “Bled”. So, sometimes the girl is clever… There is one who told me about her husband and look a little at the « niyya », the intention, a little twisted, she told me, » I I took a quiet husband, he has no family here.” I said to him “so what?” » She said to me “her mother is coming in three weeks” I said to her “that’s good, you have an extra ajr (reward)” And then she said to me: “no, she even threatened me by telephone, telling me “I’m coming…” Soubhan Allâh it looks like a gladiator leaving the arena and arriving at your house…
Once I had to call a mother-in-law in Morocco, to ask her not to come and stay with her son here in Belgium! Because what happens then, the woman even before the mother-in-law has left Morocco, she is already at our office to talk about what? Of divorce… So the son asks himself the question of who he should choose! The apartment with my wife or going with my mother?
This is not a choice that exists in Islam. If you decided to bring your mother, you are the one who must suffer the consequences. You prepare a second floor or you take accommodation for him. And if you don’t have the money, do everything you can to ensure that the family there takes care of your mother. Soubhan Allâh khaltî! You have had the benefit of living your whole life in a Muslim country, stay there, don’t come to Europe. And you know what I’m talking about.
There are poor mothers who arrive here and they remain dying in a hospital, then it becomes heavy for the family, the children start to go there only every other time…How do we do it? We even have couples call us and I even kept a letter one of them sent me with questions as proof. Look at the questions: My mother-in-law is ill, how many times should I visit her per week? Allahu Akbar ! Does this question arise? It’s a wonder? This mother-in-law who is like your mother, how many times do I have to visit her?
– My mother-in-law is coming to live with us. Do I give her the biggest room or the smallest because she’s so skinny and small! What are these questions? We can already see that the intention is strange. It looks like an animal is coming, you prepare its cage, the smallest… Hacha lillâh! So you see how far this goes?
“- I’m making a decision for our relationship, should I call my mother?” – “Can we refuse contact with a person outside the family if my mother-in-law does not want to?” But what does the mother-in-law have to do with it? Look how far we have been subhan Allah. It’s like sometimes someone who doesn’t have a job, who has nothing to do, takes a nail and a hammer and says to himself « oh well…there’s room on this wall. » Well there are couples now it’s the same thing, they’ve been through everything, they’ve done everything, the only thing left for them is to know where we’re going to put so and so or where are we not going to put it, if we are going to call or we are not going to call, if we are going to explain or we are not going to explain! This is a big mistake, be careful.
There are also many mothers-in-law who play with emotions. They go so far as to ask their son to divorce their wife. And if he refuses, she says to him and it happened in the office in front of me: “do you want the curse of Allah or do you want the approval of your mother? » And once there was one who divorced in front of me!! My brother, fear Allah, it is forbidden! haram! You cannot divorce at the request of your father, mother or anyone else. Why divorce? Because your mother doesn’t like him? Haram, la yajouz (this is not permitted).
There are also times when widowed or divorced mothers-in-law come to sleep at their son’s house every day even though he is married. That too, we tell the mother-in-law, be careful. Your son is married, he has a certain private, intimate life. It’s important, it’s life as a couple. So be careful. Come spend the evening and then we’ll take you home for example. But there are a lot of problems because of that. See how tricky it is? We all want to respect each other, but how to do it? It is not easy.
Now for the husband! The poor thing! The victim… ! He is in truth the one who is most to be pitied when you think about it… On the one hand his wife, on the other his parents! His wife tells him “I love you…” and his mother says “I love you too…”! His wife said to him “I want your good”, his mother said to him “I want your good too!” » His wife says to him “follow me”, his mother says to him “follow me”. And there he looks at them. And sometimes he calls us. He asks us what he should do. He tells us that his wife threatens him and that his mother calls him every 24 hours and threatens him too.
In Islam we don’t have that and that’s why you will understand that the one I target the most is neither the mother-in-law nor the daughter-in-law but it’s the husband . The greatest regulator, the family thermostat is the husband because he is the one who has everything in his hands. He has the “qawwâmah”, he is responsible for his relationship, he knows his mother, his father, he knows the limits, he knows religion, he knows that he who transgresses the limits set by Allah (azwadial) will not do harm only to himself. He knows all this. So he is the greatest regulator in the couple, he is the one who must normally know when he can say yes or when he can say no. He has a “dirty job” because he has to please both. And there we tell him to be careful because he is the one who will have to know how to calm down, what to do when someone comes to complain to him.
Now sometimes we have the opposite. We have men, husbands, may Allah guide them, as soon as they have a problem they call their mother. You must choose someone neutral for mediation because they must be fair, without having any pity for either party. The heart should not go towards one person or the other. It’s normal if you talk to your mother, that afterwards there are problems between your wife and her. For a mother it’s normal to think that her child is the best. A father is the same. And that’s why there are arguments between neighbors if the children have done something stupid because neither of them accepts and each says that they are the other’s children. It’s natural subhan Allah! So don’t go complaining to your mother or father. You are a man ! Leave the parents alone. Let them live. They don’t have to know anything.
Your father, leave him alone, your mother, leave her alone. Because you are sometimes the cause of the ignition between the two. We can not. It’s important, even if we get a little carried away about it, it’s important. The husband must stay within his limits. He is the one who received the responsibility, it’s over, he must work things out in his relationship and say things as they are. For what ? Because sometimes he’s a coward. Sometimes husbands are very cowardly. He sees the truth, he knows that the truth is perhaps on his mother’s side or his wife at other times, but he keeps silent, to please both. This is not allowed. We must never remain silent in the face of the truth.
If your mother made a mistake, go to a store, pick up a small gift, come in, kiss her head, ask her: “Mother, I have a simple question; imagine if one day I see you going to Hell and I don’t tell you anything, would you accept?” Your mother will tell you that she would like you to tell her, to stop her, to warn her, right? And there you explain to him the problem with his daughter-in-law and you reconcile them bi idhnillâh. You ask him to forgive your wife insha Allah. Explain to him that each of us can make mistakes… The husband has a very important role.
He must also be very diplomatic and we have husbands who are not at all. When his wife has the misfortune to say to him: “Allâhi jazik, talk a little with your mother because she really is doing strange things…”, what does he do then? He said to her: “And you haven’t seen yourself?”
And directly he will criticize his wife. No ! If you married her it’s because she is honest, you didn’t get married saying al-hamdulillah I took the most crooked one in the neighborhood, and if you took the one who has religion , then you made the right choice. And for the man it is the same thing, if we took a man who has the religion and the behavior, alhamdulillah. How can you marry for religion and then call one or the other a liar? It is not logical. So we say to the husband: “Be someone who will be able to talk, to discuss. Sometimes it’s good for you to let your wife talk to your mother.”
There are husbands always in the realm of cowardice, what are they doing? On the one hand they know that their mother is tough but they don’t let their wife talk to her, explain herself, express herself. For what ? “Because at home we’re not like that, we don’t talk to the mother. » You must not start like that with a negative idea, no, you must be positive and Allah (azwadial) , He will help you.
There are also husbands who do not notice that the wife can hate her mother-in-law without there being any contact between them. You know how ?
It’s the type of husband who makes the mistake, for example, every five minutes he comes into the kitchen, he sees his wife preparing an egg and he says to her: « ah, that’s how you make the egg…because that my mother doesn’t do it like that…” She looks at him and she does it like her mother-in-law. “Ah but you put the egg on a plate like that… Because my mother puts it on a plate like that…” So the woman takes the egg and puts it on the other plate…
In the end she doesn’t even know what she’s going to eat, her husband or the egg!!!
There are husbands like that, every two seconds, my mother this, my mother that, my mother does it like this, my mother doesn’t do it like that. By force the Miskina woman said to him: “Well you know what? Go to your mother !!! » Some sisters come to see us and say to us “soubhan Allah it seems that I am not married to him, I am married to his mother!!! « . It’s not good, because you’re breaking the person. Your wife is broken at this point. It’s not good.
There are husbands, if his wife makes a mistake with her mother, he forgives nothing. He wants justice directly. But if it’s his mother who makes a mistake with his wife, what does he say to her? “Forgive him, you must be lenient.” This is serious because how can the woman hang him? Well, she will think that you don’t recognize that an injustice has been committed. Of course, you shouldn’t come and tell your husband that he should go and get angry with his mother, that’s haram, but he can go and talk with his mother and preferably with you. It depends if you ever feel that things could get worse between you and her, so at that moment don’t go there and let your husband go with your mother, for example, talk to his mother.
There is another group in the family who have a lot of power but who are underestimated, these are the daughters of the mother-in-law. They are often “chilies”. They are there, they watch a little how the daughter-in-law works. In any case, for them, it will never be good. I know several families like that. I didn’t know about this case and when I heard the stories of two or three I said to myself subhan Allah it goes that far! And sometimes in the office you have a court: three sisters with the daughter-in-law who is there who asks: – “But what did I do to you?” »
– “We don’t like you, that’s all. Since we saw you, your head has not come back to us.”
And what do they do subhan Allah, they will talk to the mother to turn her against her. There are mothers, they are nice but they trust their children. The mother tells you: “My daughters, they are the ones who recognize who is bad or who is good. They feel that, they notice that. So if my daughters told me this girl is bad, then she is bad.” Haram is injustice. Be careful, the husband’s sisters must remain neutral in the couple’s life. We can advise each other, we can help each other, but be careful when it happens, like in situations where we provoke fitna, “troubles”.
Sometimes we also have girls who don’t dare to tell the truth. I had a case a few months ago where the sisters witnessed that there was an injustice and when I asked these girls to testify, they refused. For what ? “Because it’s not done in our family.”
Oh okay, in your family because you have your period but in Islam, you are testifying in a lie, it’s like you are telling your brother that nothing is happening. You’re lying.
And you commit injustice on a person, if he raises his hands to the sky and asks Allah (azwadial) for His justice and the door of invocation is opened and answered, wallâhi it is serious.
And we underestimate that, we don’t pay attention to it.
Now the father-in-law… I left him at the end, poor guy. The father-in-law is special, he’s a bit like “the pasha” who sits and watches the couple from afar. This does not mean that he is “stupid”, and we are even afraid that he will “light up”, that he will wake up, because waking up is very hard. And even he sometimes is to be pitied and he doesn’t necessarily have a good place because on one side there is his wife and on the other his son’s wife. But he is a man, he is a husband, that of his wife, and as for the husband of his daughter-in-law, his son, he must be strict, he must know the limits. He must reason.
And how many times have I noticed that the father could possibly fix things in five minutes but he doesn’t dare. As a father-in-law once told me: « Hajja, I live with her every day, but I see my son’s wife once a week… » What are you going to say to the one -there ? It’s not good ! We can’t function like that. And sometimes we only use the father for threats, for damage or to go to Morocco, to go to court, to take the necessary steps. We only use it for small personal needs like that, it’s quite strange.
But that’s not how it works, not this way. Sometimes you call the father-in-law to intervene in the couple and he refuses, he tells you: “it was he (her son) who married her.” Soubhan Allâh! We hear this phrase all the time. No ! Dear father. Intervene, speak when it is necessary to intervene because now it is we who are asking you to speak so do your best to be present. And there are still a lot of things to say, the subject is very long but we bring you some ideas, we show you the problems, so that you can try to put an end to this.
The main thing is that it is important to have the fear of Allah (azwadial) whatever you do, mother-in-law, daughter-in-law, son-in-law, father-in-law, if there is no this fear of Allah, there can be anything.
We also remind you that no one is perfect and that it is a pact that you have signed between you and Allah (azwadial) in this couple. There must also be honesty because sometimes even before marriage, when asking for her hand in marriage, the future husband knows that his mother or father is harsh and he does not tell the truth. It’s good that he tells the future bride, that he warns her about the character of her parents. That way she either accepts or refuses. You have to tell the truth because otherwise you only find out once you’re married and then as you know it’s sometimes too late.
You also have to know how to take responsibility. This is also one of the solutions, a remedy. If you don’t know how to take responsibility, how do you want to move forward in this relationship? You must also see that the couple is an investment, you have the “ajr” (reward) for every minute spent with your wife or you, my sister, with your husband. It is a worship, an ‘ibada. So from there you have to manage this well and not let things go haphazardly or even sometimes sow discord or discord in this couple.
You must manage as best as possible what I call the fortress because wallâhi the couple is a fortress attacked from all sides. Evening by shaytan, either by the jealous, or by whatever, there is everything, those who are married know what I am talking about. So you need to be someone who knows how to handle all of that. You also need to know that there are people who are very demanding, who ask too much, who never have enough and you need to be aware as a husband and as a wife to prepare yourself for this for when you will be married.
And we also call our children to patience, to endurance, just as we call future spouses to ask their parents to tell them what marriage is, what it is to be a husband, what it is to be a wife. and sometimes, the mother can explain to her daughter what a stepmother is, the good one and the bad one, she gives her both cases so that the day there is a problem she knows about it. The husband asks his father how things work with the father-in-law, how to talk to him, how to do things.
We were never taught that, we have to be honest. Ask around, among North Africans it’s like that, you get married, manage. How did the couple learn to live together? In little books in French. And our generation, there were no books in French and if you didn’t know how to read Arabic, we’ll test and see if it works or not. We weren’t even aware of the rules, or the case law, or anything at all.
No, in a life as a couple there must be learning, there must be teaching because it is an act of worship and at that moment, it must be done as it should be.
And don’t forget one thing; you should not be one of those who constantly interpret every little situation that appears in the couple, every problem that appears, no! Behind the suspicion there is a sin. So don’t be one of those who has doubts every time.
Summon Allah for your mother, invoke Allah for your father and do the same for your in-laws and the daughter the same thing, let her invoke Allah for her parents and those of her husband. May Allah (azwadial) open their eyes, guide them and make them people who bring you benefits insha Allah.
And we also ask you to be frank and that meetings with the in-laws are not just about arriving well dressed, putting down a cake, eating and leaving. No ! Talk about a religious subject, have a little dars (lesson), let the husband do a little dars in front of his wife, his parents, his children. We don’t have that today, we don’t talk about religion when we’re with family, we don’t discuss anything. May Allah (azwadial) guide us.
Soubhanaka allâhoumma wa bihamdik, ash-hadou anlâ ilâha illâ anta, astaghfirouka wa atoubou ilayk.
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