He climbed the steps with so much energy that it was difficult for me to believe that this man was over eighty years old, he indeed possessed the vitality of a young man. Then I learned the reason. Although he had married in 1947, when he was in his thirties, he admitted to me:
“I don’t remember ever getting angry with my wife, not even once. And for her part, she never got angry with me and I never irritated her. And if I happened to suffer from a headache, it was impossible for him to sleep until I myself had fallen asleep. »
Then he added, with emotion:
“I can’t imagine going anywhere, even shopping, without her accompanying me and taking her by the hand. It’s like we’re newlyweds. »
When, due to a health problem, it became impossible for his wife to procreate, he said to her: “You are much more precious to me than children anyway. » He said to me: “As long as she walks this earth, I can never imagine myself marrying another woman. »
This man is a remarkable example of devotion, of a unique feeling that endures over the years. Unfortunately, when we consider the relationship that the majority of couples of all ages experience, we realize that this man’s relationship is a real rarity, and even a kind of ideal. Of course, we are not required to achieve such an ideal.
And we shouldn’t expect our significant other to be like this man and woman when we ourselves have so many faults. Marriage is a union based on love and affection. Allah says in the Quran:
“And among His signs He has created wives for you, so that you may live in peace with them. And He has placed affection and kindness between you. In this there is evidence for people who think.”
[Surah 30: verse 21]
This is why men are attracted to women and vice versa, as if each person was looking for their other half. When the wife of the great jurist Abu Rabi’ah died, he buried her himself, with his own hands.
But when he returned home, he succumbed to pain and, with tears in his eyes, wept while addressing his Lord:
“Now… even my house is dead. A house only lives for the woman who lives in it. »
Marital love requires great efforts on the part of both spouses to last and remain alive. The difficulties of marital love do not lie in the small daily disagreements that are part of all married life.
In fact, these little problems sometimes revive the relationship, like spices spice up a delicious dish. The real problem lies in three things:
1. The inability of one person to understand another. In fact, sometimes a person even has difficulty understanding themselves.
2. A person’s inability to adapt to marriage itself and cope with the resulting changes in lifestyle. Too many people expect their lives to remain the same once they get married.
3. The most common problem is the lack of commitment to the relationship, as well as the absence of the deep desire to make it last.
This is why it is necessary for people to understand “the rules of the game” when it comes to married love. Since marital love is subject to illness, and even death, it is imperative that couples continually work to revive and preserve it.
Husbands and wives must respect the following rules:
1. They must get into the habit of saying positive things to each other, complimenting each other and making invocations in favor of each other. A husband can say to his wife: “If I had to start all over again and go back to my younger years, I would choose no one other than you as my wife.” Of course, his wife can also tell him similar things. Words of affection have a definite effect on a person, especially women. They have also often been used as weapons by unscrupulous men seeking to appropriate a woman belonging to another. Sweet words win the hearts of women. A husband should make it a habit to speak affectionately to his wife before anyone else does.
2. Husband and wife should get into the habit of doing those little things that really mean a lot. If a man comes home and finds his wife sleeping, he can cover her and tuck her into bed. A husband may make a habit of calling his wife from work just to say hello and to let her know he is thinking of her. If a woman finds her husband dozing, she can kiss him on the forehead, even if she thinks he will not be aware of it. In fact, even if he is sleeping, his senses remain alert to a certain level and he can be perfectly aware of this gesture of affection. The Prophet (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa salam) emphasized the importance of these small gestures:
“…even the piece of food you put in your wife’s mouth. »
(Sahih Bukhari and Sahih Mouslim).
In fact, it may well be that the Prophet (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa salam) wanted to refer to the husband’s expenses aimed at meeting the needs of his wife. However, there is a reason why he chose to express it this way. What is important to remember is that this was the way of the Prophet (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa salam) to behave with his family.
All these little gestures are determined by the tastes and inclinations of the people involved. It may take a little getting used to, but when it comes down to it, it doesn’t take that much effort. A person who is not used to this type of behavior may even feel embarrassed to even hear about it, and may prefer to leave things as they are rather than make the effort to change. and to apply things that she considers completely ridiculous.
Even so, we must be willing to introduce new habits into our lives if we don’t want our problems to last forever.
3. Husband and wife should set aside certain times during which they can talk to each other without being interrupted. They can talk about the past, remember the good times they had together, talk about these times, keep them fresh in their memory, as if they had been experienced yesterday. They can also talk about the future, share their hopes and their plans. Finally, they can talk about the present, the good and the bad, and try to find solutions to solve their problems.
4. Keeping close physical contact is healthy for the relationship. These contacts should not be restricted to intimate moments, but be present at all times, such as when the couple is sitting in the living room or when walking down the street. n And this, even though there are still men in our society who are ashamed to be seen in public with their wife by their side.
5. Emotional support should always be there when either spouse feels the need. When the woman is pregnant or in her menstrual period, she may need some moral support from her husband, and the latter should take into consideration the state in which his wife finds herself. Medical experts have shown that when a woman experiences pregnancy, menstruation, or postpartum bleeding, she can suffer from psychological stress that can negatively affect her behavior.
It is at times like these that the wife needs the support of her husband. She needs to hear him say how much she means to him and how much he needs her in his life. Likewise, it may happen that the husband falls ill or faces all kinds of difficulties. The woman must take these things into consideration. If people want their relationship to last, they must make the other person feel that they are always there to support him or her.
6. The material expression of love is also a good thing. Gifts can be given even outside of special occasions like Eid; a pleasant surprise is always welcome. An appropriate gift is one that expresses the feelings of affection of the giver. It does not have to be expensive, but it must respect the tastes and personality of the other; it will thus be cherished and carefully guarded for a long time.
7. Husband and wife should learn to be more tolerant of each other and turn a blind eye to each other’s faults and weaknesses. Forgetting the small mistakes of everyday life and not even mentioning them should become second nature. Silence, regarding these trivialities, is a sign of noble character. Once, a woman came and said to Aisha (Radi-Allahu anhu):
“When my husband comes home, he becomes like a cat. When he goes outside, he looks like a lion. And he does not question me about what I did with his property.”
[Sahih Bukhari and Sahih Muslim]
Ibn Hajar explains his words this way:
“They can mean that he is very generous and tolerant. He doesn’t make a big deal about his possessions or money that he finds being used by his family members. If he brings things back for the household, he does not inquire later about what happened to them. He does not make a drama of the faults of his family members; he is rather forgiving and tolerant. »
It is unfair to dramatize the faults of others while we only see the qualities of ourselves. There is a saying that goes like this:
“One of you sees the dust in his brother’s eyes while he forgets the dirt in his own. »
8. Husband and wife should come to an understanding regarding their common responsibilities and concerns, such as children’s education, work, travel, expenses and any issues that may pose a threat to the couple’s relationship They are not managed in the right way.
9. Husband and wife need to do things to brighten up their relationship. They can read books such as the Sira of the Prophet (sallAllahu ‘alayhi wa salam) or listen to cassettes which will give them ideas on ways to revive and enrich their married life. They may vary their habits when it comes to relaxing together, eating, decorating their home, and in the ways they interact, both in public and in private. These are the things that keep the passion and interest alive in a relationship.
10. The relationship must be protected from negative influences that can affect it. One of the worst is comparing your husband or wife to others. Many men tend to compare their wives to those of others.
Some even go so far as to compare them with those they see in magazines or on television. Women also compare their husbands with those of others, especially in matters of wealth, beauty and the frequency with which they do outdoor activities with their wives.
All these unhealthy comparisons make people feel bad and mediocre and the relationship can quickly be affected. If we want to compare ourselves to others, we must do so with those who are less fortunate than us. The Messenger of Allah said:
“Look at those below you, not those above you. This is better for you, so that you do not minimize the blessings of Allah. »
[Sahih Bukhari and Sahih Muslim]
It is high time that we learn to live in reality and be satisfied with what Allah has decreed for us. We should not look with envy on what Allah has given to others. Even the little we have can mean a lot if we know how to use it well and take advantage of it. It is quite possible that many of the people who talk about their marital happiness and who brag about their husband or wife are not entirely telling the truth; it is only vanity that makes them speak. The grass often seems greener on our neighbor’s side, but only because we don’t look closely enough.
Shaykh Salman al-Awdah
